I Was Looking for my Soulmate While Walking on a Moonlit beach.

I know it’s going to shock some of you, but I am going to admit something: I was a weird kid.

(The hush that has fallen over the crowd at this news is deafening).

Not sure if it’s genetics, (my ancestors DID leave Switzerland for this country. SWITZERLAND! What the hell is there to escape from in a country that is decidedly neutral about everything, has great scenery, and is the world renowned for it’s production for most of nature’s most perfect of foods: cheese!) nurturing (My first day of high school, the same school that graduated both my parents, I was asked by one of my teachers: ‘Are you the juvenile delinquent’s daughter.’ A man who can sustain that kind of moniker through two decades of complete absence leaves quite an impression and helped to mold my young mind!), or just me being weird. (I turn off my phone to watch Grease 2 for God’s sake!) Whatever it is, I’ve always been known for my individuality and creativity. (That’s how weirdo’s always describe themselves, BTW.)

I admit, my personals tend to be, well, a bit different. I am often asked how I go about writing them. I don’t set out to craft the finest work of our time, mind you. I just figure I’d better convey as good a sense as I can of who I am and what I am compatible with. And, I have NEVER, EVER, been one would could not use 50 words when 10 would be just as effective.

I was having a very cerebral discussion with one of my male friends (the eternal ‘Less Filling, Tastes Great debate), when we happened on the subject of personals. He has one up (in fact, that’s how we met. I look at him as my wonder twin, although my respect for his ability to create tapestries of beauty with his creative use of profanity would leave Van Gough fearing for his job. I can only come up with new ways to use the F word on occasion. He is my Sen-say of the profane), and we both agreed that there are personals out there that read as if the author spent an afternoon at a Hallmark shop.

However, one of the things that I have not only noticed but has been discussed among other men and women I’ve met through online services such as Match, is frighteningly vague similarities in what someone is looking for. Or specifications so constricting that they apply to 3 people in the known universe, and finding those 3 means a stroke of cosmic luck that involves planetary alignment and celestial intervention. (Alien abduction sounds far more likely).

It is in this spirit of hoping everyone can find love and friendship successfully that I have compiled observations and suggestions taken from many discussions with other Match members on what they think makes a great personal, and how to make sure you get responses from people you may actually enjoy getting to know. (Or at least don’t seem Yeti-like in their appeal!)

These are the 10 considerations/rules one must keep in mind when in constructing one’s personal. These aren’t meant to refer to anyone’s personal in particular. However, these elements have been cited as continual offenses that should be dealt with and hopefully eradicated from the online romantic landscape.

1.) First rule: Guys: the girls DO talk to one another. Now, I know the men don’t tend to trade notes via email or chatting, but I guarantee you: If you’ve gone out with more than one woman on a service chances are notes were compared on you and your ad’s ability to portray you. This is not meant to scare you, but be aware that, if you are going to attempt something tasteless or rude when you have written the phrase ‘I love to treat my woman like a lady,’ rest assured word of it will spread so quickly your E-love-life will be snuffed out like a Ho-Ho at a fat farm!

2.) For God’s Sake, put up a recent photo of yourself! This is apparently more of a problem for men seeking women, who are taken in by this intelligent, attractive creature, only to be frightened into celibacy because the woman they were expecting (youthful, vital, thin) is 180% different than the one who shows up (Bad dye job, many years of hard living etched in her face, an ass in desperate need of a ‘Wide Load’ sign, and and a T-shirt reading ‘I go from 0 – Horny in 2.3 beers!). This is much more common than you realize. Granted, ladies, our society does prize youth and beauty, (I’m not condoning it, just stating the facts. Little do they know how many women actually achieve that state of pencil-thinness by puking 10 seconds after they eat!) If you are going to be dishonest about something so obvious that the deception is uncovered before you utter a word, don’t we need to reread our copy of ‘I’m OK, You’re OK’ again? Don’t fake it when you know you aren’t going to live up to the prince or princess you construct via email.

3.) Speaking of photos: Drivers License photos or those taken from a web cam at ones computer are extremely risky. I know my DL pic was NOT my best day, and I know about 4 people on the planet who have great pics like these. Web Cam photos: They generally are a bad angle, bad lighting, and can often show things you don’t realize are in the background (Some I’ve seen included underwear on lamps, grandfathers in deep sleep or dead, and one idiot actually showed his very obvious wedding portrait on the wall in the background! God, I pray he has been sterilized to prevent his seed from tainting the gene pool!) And it’s always obvious when you use these…so just beware it can backfire on you.

4.) I am starting a grass-roots movement to ban the following phrases from further use in all personals:

• "I am looking for my soul mate.’

• ‘Someone who looks as good in jeans as he/she does dressed for a night on the town’

• ‘Someone who enjoys quiet evenings at home or who can live it up on the town.’

• ‘I love to cuddle by the fire with a glass of wine’

• ‘I’ve left my baggage where it belongs.’ (News FLASH: We ALL have baggage…it’s just how we use it and where we take it.)

• ‘Looking for someone to be my lover and best friend.’

• ‘I love moonlit walks on the beach.’ (This either means you are reading a Harlequin in an attempt to the female psyche, or you find it easiest to take your dates on a long walk in the dark near a large body of water for the ease it provides in body disposal!)

Why ban these phrases, you ask? Mainly because that’s what EVERYONE looking

for love wants. Sure, it sounds all kinds of sincere and romantic…but it also sounds

like you have been reading ‘How to Write a Personal in 10 easy steps.’ It’s NOT

original, it DOESN’T sound sincere, and it’s OLD! I mean, like Gag Me With a Spoon

old.

5.) Two words: Spell Check

6.) Two more words: CAPS OFF!!!!!

7.) Parents: We love that you take pride in your role as a parent. But please think twice about posting a picture of you with your child on a public site such as this. It is too risky in this day and age to give predators any more info than they need about children

8.) If someone puts something down in his or her ‘desirable’ criteria, PLEASE RESPECT IT!!! I have a rule that, if it’s blatantly obvious someone hasn’t read my ad, I won’t bother getting to know him. (Like NOT HAVING A DAMNED PHOTO WHEN IT SAYS I REQUIRE ONE. This also goes for if your photo hasn’t been posted yet…you still don’t have one! Do we need to get you enrolled in a Sylvan Learning Center, Corky?) If they can’t pay attention to me before we’ve become acquainted, the possibility of them doing so later is ‘nil. For instance, if you’re not athletic, don’t reply to someone who wants someone with an athletic build. Two main reasons 1.) You are most likely setting yourself up for rejection from the start, and 2.) Don’t try to be something you aren’t. It just never works. And, if you think that the deception of your physical appearance will be outweighed by your sparkling personality once said object meets you in person after having gotten to know you over several emails and phone conversations, you are smoking a brand of crack so pure Ivory Soap seems filthy by comparison. It generally results only in said object being extremely pissed off and that probably isn’t what you were going for in the first place.

9.) Unless you have a particular fondness for everyone and their dog knowing your phone number, or want to possibly be exposed to a phone phreaker…do NOT give it out on the first email. Aside from the fact it’s just pathologically stupid to send your phone number to someone you haven’t even spoken to yet, I have talked to several people who think it’s just plain lazy to include a phone number because ‘I hate to type.’ Ohhh kaaayyyy…then what in the hell are you doing looking for people on the INTERNET! You have to TYPE! Sorry, but that phrase generally tags you as an idiot from the word go…and there is very little chance to redeem yourself after that.

10.) The use of the word ‘Lonely’ immediately brands you as completely void of social skills and does absolutely nothing to set the opposite sex ablaze with desire for you. If you’re so lonely you have to publicize that to the world, I would strongly suggest getting a pet. There are many fine animals that can appreciate your companionship that are in need of adoption. Using ‘Lonely’ generally gets translated into the fact you have no drive or ambition to create your own life and you will suck the existence out of any potential companion you cross paths with. Worse still is that your lonely existence will mean getting rid of you will be more difficult than finding Bin Laden.

There are several unwritten rules for writing the perfect cyber construct of yourself, and no one can honestly say they expect to learn everything there is to know about you in a few paragraphs and photos. Your profile is simply meant to be a stepping-stone, not the Golden Gate Bridge. And, it should serve to tantalize as to what you have to offer. If it puts the others to sleep or has them calling 531-TIPS, you probably should go back to the drawing board.

Now, on the flip side of the coin, realize too that some people simple don’t see the need to get artistic and fancy when posting their stats on the love cyber-connection. And some people don’t translate the same way on person as they do in an ad. I’ve met men who wrote me pages and pages of eloquent, witty prose, and get them in person and the most intelligent thing to come out of their mouth in person was ‘Do you have PBR on tap?’

Conversely, I’ve met men who couldn’t write their way out of a wet wad of toilet paper, but in person made me laugh ‘til I cried, and who could hold amazingly intelligent conversations. The general rule of thumb still applies: You can’t judge a book by its cover. (Or at least it’s lack of grammatical talent)

Overall, it works best when you are honest about who you are, who you want, and what you are seeking. Celebrate your unique qualities and realize that someone out there, either in the cyber or real world, will find them intensely fascinating without you having to throw a hard sell on them or bury the truth of it in worn out phrases and a great photo of you taken 10 years ago.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go take a moonlit walk on the beach.